That’s my personal account. I want you to make some changes for example in the e

That’s my personal account. I want you to make some changes for example in the end make some changes that we move it to as a refugee to Australia and there is a good place. There’s so many opportunity make a resolution about Australia that we came here like that.
This is my teacher feedback from my past personal account. I want you to give this back and make some changes.
In the Second personal recount you need to check the Grammar. If you are writing in past tense, you need to keep past all around the text.
hen, when your text is ready, take it to study on and ask someone else to read it for you and give you feedback. Otherwise, this would be like double marking your SAC. 
 
At this stage you need to consider the structure and language techniques and literary devices:
• You need to include a title.
• The hook needs to be catchy. You have included some desсrіptive language which works as imagery. Try to include a question, simile and metaphor.
• Try to mark the emotive language keeping in mind what feelings you want to provoke in your reader(s).
• The last section of your text needs to have a clear resolution. Focus on your current achievements, aspirations and expectations.
The fisrt text you sent above reads quite well. There are just some Grammatical details to revise. Maybe check it and ask a tutor in study on to read it and check how it sounds.
of structure, you need to make sure, the text has a hook, context & orientation, the problem is clearly stated, Think what the problem meant to you and how it impacted your life. Then add the resolution.
The next page when you finish the personal recount write a commentary about the personal recount.
1. How did you write your story
2. Why did you write your story
3. What literary device did you use.
Use the Literary Device
Figurative language – similes and metaphors
Personification
Narrator – first, second or third person
Implication/Inference
Analogy
Stream of consciousness
Symbol
Motif
Colloquial Language
Tone
Metaphor
Personification
Mixed Metaphor
Metonmy
Synecdoche
Imagery
Analogy
Connotation
Verbal Irony
Situational Irony
Here are the more information that how you write the commentary.
Task 3 (written commentary) comment on your own story that how did you write your piece.
Paragraph1
This paragraph covers the FAP. Form, Audience, Purpose.
For my personal recount I have covered the theme of identity, places and belonging. I wanted to
make my written piece very personal and that is why I used first person (I, We, Us) to develop my
narrative. I mainly targeted readers who relate to the journey of migrants has to follow. My piece is
also directed to individual who might have had similar experiences when moving to Australia. The
aim of my recount is to share my experience and introduce a recollection of my migration to
Australia.
Paragraph2
This paragraph covers the structure, language and literary device( imagery, .
Hook, context and orientation.
In the Hook I used questions and emotive language to catch the reader’s attention and also to create
emotional effect. For example, when I describe the night when my community was attacked, I
utilised lots of adjectives and imagery that could help the reader to think about and feel the suffer we went through.
In commentary at the first paragraph write the FAP on the second paragraph L and the third paragraph L.
Example of personal recount Heywire3