Revise this paper as the comments suggested and maybe refine with your own thoug

Revise this paper as the comments suggested and maybe refine with your own thoughts as well
Comments from instructor:
This is an important topic. You have an excellent hook and thesis and your body paragraphs successfully connect to your argument. **Try to condense your thesis into one thesis sentence. **Your intro. and conclusions paragraphs are a bit long — you can cut back a little and add more information to your militia paragraph.