I already have a draft of how I want my essay to be., if you can improvise and a

I already have a draft of how I want my essay to be., if you can improvise and add more in depth detail, that would be awesome!
I will attach the draft of my essay and the reading I am referring from. Document joy-2 is my draft. I will also attach a research essay sample by a student who completed and got an A. if it helps you get an idea, that’s the document name “Sample research essay”
Thank you so much.