Review the in-text comments and summary feedback you received on your Touchstone

Review the in-text comments and summary feedback you received on your Touchstone 2.2 draft to deepen and extend your analysis of your topic. Submit a revision of your Touchstone 2.2 draft that reflects the feedback. Include a copy of your Touchstone 2.2 draft below the “Think About Your Writing” questions for this unit.
Rubric Category Points Percentage Result
Image Analysis / Extended Definition (2 points) 1.5 20% Acceptable (75%) – Prompt A: Includes some analysis of the design choices made in the advertisement (e.g., layout, color schemes, text, and/or other design components), but focuses primarily on description; somewhat effectively draws conclusions about the intended audience, and the likely impact and effectiveness of the advertisement. Prompt B: Defines a meaningful and nuanced word or concept adequately, but only sometimes uses critical thinking and thoughtful discussion to explore the definition; only sometimes goes beyond traditional definitions to define or redefine the word in a new and unique way.
Rochelle added: Excellent choice of family for this extended definition essay! Your essay mentions ideas such as friends and gangs, which is a unique idea. To strengthen, consider clarifying three ways you want to extend the definition and focus each body paragraph on one of those three ways. At times, there were confusing and irrelevant information such as financial assistance companies and bullies, so be sure to stay focused on the task for the entirety of the essay.
Working Thesis (2 points) 1.5 20% Acceptable (75%) – Has an acceptable working thesis that states a claim, but it may be unclear or unfocused, or consist of more than one sentence.
Rochelle added: Great start including a thesis statement that begins to state a claim about ways to extend the definition of family. To be most effective, the thesis statement will state exactly how the definition will be extended in a single sentence. For example, ‘Beyond the traditional, success is _____, ______, and ____________. ‘
Organization (2 points) 1 20% Needs Improvement (50%) – Is missing one of the required components of an essay or most of the components are ineffective; the sequence of sentences and/or paragraphs is frequently illogical and lacks flow.
Rochelle added: The essay includes an introductory paragraph, several body paragraphs, and a conclusion paragraph. Consider reading each body paragraph (especially) out loud to help you find places where the sequence of ideas seems off or sometimes irrelevant or where ideas switch from one to another without context. Stay focused on informing about three ways to extend the definition of family- begin the body paragraphs with a topic sentence and add supporting details, examples, and explanations for each of the ideas.
Style and Tone (1 point) 0.85 10% Proficient (85%) – Demonstrates effective word choices and uses a variety of sentence structures; establishes an unbiased and impersonal tone that is appropriate for an informative essay, with occasional minor exceptions.
Rochelle added: The essay exhibits a mostly informative tone. At times, the details or word choices are a bit confusing, so stay focused on the task and support the points to extend the definition of family.
Focus (1 point) 0.5 10% Needs Improvement (50%) – Details are often irrelevant and frequently distract from the purpose of the essay.
Rochelle added: Great start including interesting ideas about various ways to extend the definition of family, and I love the idea of gangs. To strengthen, stay focused on the informative task- only one idea per paragraph. Several details are very confusing and/or irrelevant such as the long details about financial assistance companies, bullies, and a pride of lions. At times. a paragraph begins with one idea and switches to a different idea without context or transition such as the idea about bullies and it is unclear how these ideas are relevant to extending the definition of family.
Conventions (1 point) 0.85 10% Proficient (85%) – There are occasional minor errors in grammar, punctuation, spelling, capitalization, formatting, and usage.
Rochelle added: Excellent work editing the essay!
Think About Your Writing (1 point) 0.85 10% Proficient (85%) – Demonstrates thoughtful reflection; includes multiple insights, observations, and/or examples; answers all reflection questions effectively, following response length guidelines.
Rochelle added: Part B: Thank you for the Reflections! Keep up the hard work. The color coding activity was green for the topic sentences and red for the thesis statement.
FEEDBACK:
You have a wonderful start on the definition essay and you begin to extend the definition of family in a couple of unique ways such as friends and gangs. To improve, clarify three ways to extend the definition of family. Then, for each of the three body paragraphs, discuss one of those three ideas with supporiting details, examples, and explanation (no research is necessary). Work on organization and focus throughout the essay and revise the irrelevant details, staying focused on the task/thesis.
*Note- I encourage you to remove the use of research as none is necessary for this essay and it is not clear how or where this source is used.
See additional compliments and suggestions in the rubric above, and keep in mind that some significant revisions may be necessary.