my essay need edit to clearly answer and meet what the school ask in bulletin po

my essay need edit to clearly answer and meet what the school ask in bulletin points.
I upload my personal statement (personalstate.docx).
I had let some people read my essay and attached an example of one of the people that read my essay and edit it. the example paragraph i include in JPG file clearly state the purpose of motivation. It is an example of what i meant to clearly answer and meet the bulletin points.
it need to be 4000 characters including space.
**Statement of PURPOSE in JPG file is the admission essay guideline and must be answered clearly if i were to read it.