“They Say” (source references) with “I Say” (your discussion/analysis). Instead, much of its content (and sometimes full paragraphs) are just your talking about the topic rather than responding to a source

Delete the entire first paragraph – it is more suitable for an outline or prewriting. Add a hook, and then transition to what you have in the second paragraph. Then, move the yellow part and include a clear thesis statement – which presents
a clear argument – there instead. Doing so will create an intro. Well, you have some interesting ideas here, but the
paper also contains huge lapses. It also doesn’t demonstrated focused attention to our lessons or the assignment
criteria. For starters, it doesn’t balance the “They Say” (source references) with “I Say” (your discussion/analysis).
Instead, much of its content (and sometimes full paragraphs) are just your talking about the topic rather than
responding to a source. You must fix this. Please read the comments throughout the doc and apply those tips. I gave
extensive feedback, and if you follow it then this paper could be much better. If you don’t, then this paper won’t score
very well. Please also include a properly formatted Works Cited page, as practiced in class. It should also contain the
class source.
I’m also going to give you a screenshot of what my teacher wanted the paper to look like under screenshot if you
could fix what she’s asking for would be really helpful