“Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of perso

“Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others” OR “Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you’ve already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design” — Going to choose whichever fits better
*650 Word Limit*
I attached a preliminary draft before that has the central idea I want the essay to have but I am struggling to make it flow well. I want to make the essay sound more powerful and consistent throughout. Here are some pointers I received from another editor:
“Clarity. You could make it more clear exactly why you collect words in the jar. At first, you imply that it’s for your love of language. Then, you talk about how this jar aided in your mother’s comprehension of English words––which implies that it helped her learn English. Afterwards, you also talk about how this jar represented your mother’s learning to understand your family’s numerous mental illnesses. It can be all of these reasons, but you have to be more clear that it is all of these reasons instead of making the reader think it is only one. If it’s one––as I think mental illness is the core reason for the jar and your passion for neuroscience/cogsci––introduce it at the beginning, make each paragraph about coping with these disorders, and more explicitly detail the struggles.
Put yourself into action. The symbol of the jar and the inspirational figure of your mother battle each other. Remember: the personal statement is about YOU, about your struggles and pain. As inspirational as your mother is, I suggest you keep the symbol of the jar and put yourself more into action.
Concision. Avoid repetition. The admin officer reads hundreds of these essays per day”
“In paragraph about the dictionary, the paragraph suggests that the process helped my mom learn English but it was more than English, it was my family’s multiple mental illness and disabilities. I want to include more but I need to make the differences more explicit. Please do so.
The essay can be confusing as to why I kept the jar. It is to hold the memories of me and my families obstacles and it represents the struggles me and my family faced to acquire knowledge in the face of the unknown. I want to show how the jar made me grow. In the last part of my essay I want it to mention more how I personally do that and how my mom instilled that drive in me to learn and strengthen myself with knowledge in the face or hardship”